Blighted ovum it is

I went to my OB today for the surgical consult for the d&c this upcoming Friday and he confirmed that I have a blighted ovum and that for my situation the d&c is probably the best scenario, although he did go through all 3 of my options with me. 1) wait it out and mc naturally. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I should be 9weeks and 3days today and it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster that my husband and I have been on. I just don't know if my heart can take waiting for my body to realize there is no baby in there. 2)medication induced mc. He said this option is probably not a good one due to the severe bleeding and cramping I had on Jan 13. He said that this would probably be worse and didn't want me to have to go through that either. which leaves the option of 3) d&c. I am OK with this (most of the time). I am just ready for this whole this to be over so that my mind, body, and heart can move forward with everything.

He did a sonogram which showed that the sac has gotten bigger since my last sonogram on Feb 3, which again is why I do not want to wait for my body to figure this thing out. He also said that although my numbers are increasing they are not doubling any more and that is not a good indicator either (if you read my last post you know that I was already thinking this...) So all signs point to the d&c being the best, at least I think so. The office gave me a copy of the sonogram (finally. I have had 5 sonograms and no pictures. I did have to ask though...) so now I feel like I have something to hold on to.

Like I said, most times I am OK with this all. My brain understands it all, my body hasn't figured things out yet and my heart is so broken it hurts to breathe. I feel like an emotional wreck. I never know from one minute to the next how I will feel or react to something. I can be fine then all of a sudden breakdown crying. This is just awful and I just want to feel like myself again. I want the pain to go away. I want to be pregnant again and have my baby in September. I know "everything happens for a reason" but I don't care right now. I just want what I want and I can't help that. I try to stay positive, and I know that there was something not right that made this happen so it's all for the best, but that just doesn't help right now, in this moment.

Holding out hope?

I had another u/s on Feb 9th which showed that the sac got bigger so the doctor said I need a d&c, which is what I was thinking was going to end up happening. Since this doctor is at a fertility center she told me that the OR schedule basically revolves around the IVF patients because of the time sensitivity of it (which I totally understand) but at the same time they basically told me that they could not give me a time and date until the day before they could fit me in the OR schedule because it depended on how many egg retrievals they had, and if they had too many they wouldn't add me onto the schedule. I feel that this is a bit ridiculous! I mean I get the IVF patients are timed, but this made me feel like I wasn't important enough to be included in a timely manner. That my situation was less important.

I called my OB's office in order to schedule my yearly and the lady on the other end asked how things were going (she could see that I had been in the office in Sept and that my OB had put me on clomid) and I broke down crying. So she had me explain everything to her and she talked to me until I calmed down then told me she would talk to the doctor and either she or the doc would get back to me that day. My OB called around lunch time and talked to me about what I had told the office manager earlier and said that it did sound like I would need the d&c since I should be about 2 months along and all they are seeing is a sac. He said that they could do it at the local hospital and they were able to get me booked on a day that will work for me and my husband on Feb 17th. They defiantly helped me feel better and taken care of then just sitting around waiting to see when I may be able to get in and taken care of.

I see the doctor (at my OB) on Wed. the 15th. I am going to ask him to do another ultrasound. It may make me sound crazy, but I just can't go through with a d&c without knowing for sure. I still have no symptoms, no bleeding no cramping and my beta numbers are still increasing, they were 3327 on Feb 3 and 8139 on Feb 13. So I guess although they are going up they really only went up 4800 in 10 days, which isn't really a good increase. I guess I'm just not ready to give up hope just yet...

Empty... in more ways then one

Today was the day we we're dreading, but yet half expecting. We went to our ultrasound this morning to find that the sac is less than half the size of what it was last Friday and empty. This is just heartbreaking after everything that has happened the last few weeks. I think we both thought that this is where the pregnancy was going, it just sucks that it took so long and so many ups and downs to get here.

The doctor said its just a few mm and should pass on its own soon and I had another beta drawn to see if my numbers go down (now 3327, although I have no idea if that has come down at all since the  last one they did was only 648). I would assume they are dropping since the sac shrank and I feel like my symptoms are dissipating. I just want to start a new cycle at this point. The doctor (RE) was talking about starting testing, which I know is why we went there in January, but now I feel like I just need some time before I start all of that. I am content to know that I CAN get pregnant and just think I need a few months on my own to see what happens and heal emotionally from everything that has happened.

It's also hard because I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to. We have told some of our friends about TTC and the fact that I am/was pregnant, but when they find out all that has happened it makes me feel like I have a disease that is contagious. I realize that it's only because they really don't know what to say, but it still makes me feel really lonely. Randy is very supportive and I know he's upset too, but he doesn't talk much and he really doesn't know/understand how I feel and all the emotional/hormonal stuff going on (hell I don't either!).