Our first OB appointment is Aug. 15... and I thought the 2WW was bad!! :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
BFP #2!!
We finally got another BFP! It came on 7.18.12 (11dpo) and has been getting darker since. Today is 16dpo and AF is due to arrive today, but no sign at all!! These tests are from this morning...
I am nervous and excited. I'm really scared that the same things as last time will happen, but hoping that since this has been so different already, that things will be OK this time. All I can do is hope and pray. I'm already starting to feel the nausea. While I don't really want it, I'll take it if it means this is our take home baby!!
Our first OB appointment is Aug. 15... and I thought the 2WW was bad!! :)
Our first OB appointment is Aug. 15... and I thought the 2WW was bad!! :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Blighted ovum it is
I went to my OB today for the surgical consult for the d&c this upcoming Friday and he confirmed that I have a blighted ovum and that for my situation the d&c is probably the best scenario, although he did go through all 3 of my options with me. 1) wait it out and mc naturally. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I should be 9weeks and 3days today and it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster that my husband and I have been on. I just don't know if my heart can take waiting for my body to realize there is no baby in there. 2)medication induced mc. He said this option is probably not a good one due to the severe bleeding and cramping I had on Jan 13. He said that this would probably be worse and didn't want me to have to go through that either. which leaves the option of 3) d&c. I am OK with this (most of the time). I am just ready for this whole this to be over so that my mind, body, and heart can move forward with everything.
He did a sonogram which showed that the sac has gotten bigger since my last sonogram on Feb 3, which again is why I do not want to wait for my body to figure this thing out. He also said that although my numbers are increasing they are not doubling any more and that is not a good indicator either (if you read my last post you know that I was already thinking this...) So all signs point to the d&c being the best, at least I think so. The office gave me a copy of the sonogram (finally. I have had 5 sonograms and no pictures. I did have to ask though...) so now I feel like I have something to hold on to.
Like I said, most times I am OK with this all. My brain understands it all, my body hasn't figured things out yet and my heart is so broken it hurts to breathe. I feel like an emotional wreck. I never know from one minute to the next how I will feel or react to something. I can be fine then all of a sudden breakdown crying. This is just awful and I just want to feel like myself again. I want the pain to go away. I want to be pregnant again and have my baby in September. I know "everything happens for a reason" but I don't care right now. I just want what I want and I can't help that. I try to stay positive, and I know that there was something not right that made this happen so it's all for the best, but that just doesn't help right now, in this moment.
Like I said, most times I am OK with this all. My brain understands it all, my body hasn't figured things out yet and my heart is so broken it hurts to breathe. I feel like an emotional wreck. I never know from one minute to the next how I will feel or react to something. I can be fine then all of a sudden breakdown crying. This is just awful and I just want to feel like myself again. I want the pain to go away. I want to be pregnant again and have my baby in September. I know "everything happens for a reason" but I don't care right now. I just want what I want and I can't help that. I try to stay positive, and I know that there was something not right that made this happen so it's all for the best, but that just doesn't help right now, in this moment.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Holding out hope?
I had another u/s on Feb 9th which showed that the sac got bigger so the doctor said I need a d&c, which is what I was thinking was going to end up happening. Since this doctor is at a fertility center she told me that the OR schedule basically revolves around the IVF patients because of the time sensitivity of it (which I totally understand) but at the same time they basically told me that they could not give me a time and date until the day before they could fit me in the OR schedule because it depended on how many egg retrievals they had, and if they had too many they wouldn't add me onto the schedule. I feel that this is a bit ridiculous! I mean I get the IVF patients are timed, but this made me feel like I wasn't important enough to be included in a timely manner. That my situation was less important.
I called my OB's office in order to schedule my yearly and the lady on the other end asked how things were going (she could see that I had been in the office in Sept and that my OB had put me on clomid) and I broke down crying. So she had me explain everything to her and she talked to me until I calmed down then told me she would talk to the doctor and either she or the doc would get back to me that day. My OB called around lunch time and talked to me about what I had told the office manager earlier and said that it did sound like I would need the d&c since I should be about 2 months along and all they are seeing is a sac. He said that they could do it at the local hospital and they were able to get me booked on a day that will work for me and my husband on Feb 17th. They defiantly helped me feel better and taken care of then just sitting around waiting to see when I may be able to get in and taken care of.
I see the doctor (at my OB) on Wed. the 15th. I am going to ask him to do another ultrasound. It may make me sound crazy, but I just can't go through with a d&c without knowing for sure. I still have no symptoms, no bleeding no cramping and my beta numbers are still increasing, they were 3327 on Feb 3 and 8139 on Feb 13. So I guess although they are going up they really only went up 4800 in 10 days, which isn't really a good increase. I guess I'm just not ready to give up hope just yet...
I called my OB's office in order to schedule my yearly and the lady on the other end asked how things were going (she could see that I had been in the office in Sept and that my OB had put me on clomid) and I broke down crying. So she had me explain everything to her and she talked to me until I calmed down then told me she would talk to the doctor and either she or the doc would get back to me that day. My OB called around lunch time and talked to me about what I had told the office manager earlier and said that it did sound like I would need the d&c since I should be about 2 months along and all they are seeing is a sac. He said that they could do it at the local hospital and they were able to get me booked on a day that will work for me and my husband on Feb 17th. They defiantly helped me feel better and taken care of then just sitting around waiting to see when I may be able to get in and taken care of.
I see the doctor (at my OB) on Wed. the 15th. I am going to ask him to do another ultrasound. It may make me sound crazy, but I just can't go through with a d&c without knowing for sure. I still have no symptoms, no bleeding no cramping and my beta numbers are still increasing, they were 3327 on Feb 3 and 8139 on Feb 13. So I guess although they are going up they really only went up 4800 in 10 days, which isn't really a good increase. I guess I'm just not ready to give up hope just yet...
Friday, February 3, 2012
Empty... in more ways then one
Today was the day we we're dreading, but yet half expecting. We went to our ultrasound this morning to find that the sac is less than half the size of what it was last Friday and empty. This is just heartbreaking after everything that has happened the last few weeks. I think we both thought that this is where the pregnancy was going, it just sucks that it took so long and so many ups and downs to get here.
The doctor said its just a few mm and should pass on its own soon and I had another beta drawn to see if my numbers go down (now 3327, although I have no idea if that has come down at all since the last one they did was only 648). I would assume they are dropping since the sac shrank and I feel like my symptoms are dissipating. I just want to start a new cycle at this point. The doctor (RE) was talking about starting testing, which I know is why we went there in January, but now I feel like I just need some time before I start all of that. I am content to know that I CAN get pregnant and just think I need a few months on my own to see what happens and heal emotionally from everything that has happened.
It's also hard because I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to. We have told some of our friends about TTC and the fact that I am/was pregnant, but when they find out all that has happened it makes me feel like I have a disease that is contagious. I realize that it's only because they really don't know what to say, but it still makes me feel really lonely. Randy is very supportive and I know he's upset too, but he doesn't talk much and he really doesn't know/understand how I feel and all the emotional/hormonal stuff going on (hell I don't either!).
The doctor said its just a few mm and should pass on its own soon and I had another beta drawn to see if my numbers go down (now 3327, although I have no idea if that has come down at all since the last one they did was only 648). I would assume they are dropping since the sac shrank and I feel like my symptoms are dissipating. I just want to start a new cycle at this point. The doctor (RE) was talking about starting testing, which I know is why we went there in January, but now I feel like I just need some time before I start all of that. I am content to know that I CAN get pregnant and just think I need a few months on my own to see what happens and heal emotionally from everything that has happened.
It's also hard because I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to. We have told some of our friends about TTC and the fact that I am/was pregnant, but when they find out all that has happened it makes me feel like I have a disease that is contagious. I realize that it's only because they really don't know what to say, but it still makes me feel really lonely. Randy is very supportive and I know he's upset too, but he doesn't talk much and he really doesn't know/understand how I feel and all the emotional/hormonal stuff going on (hell I don't either!).
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Our journey... the beginning
Our journey to becoming parents, has been a long one. Let's start from the beginning...
Randy and I met at work early in 2008. We began dating on March 17, 2008 and we were basically inseparable after our first date. December 23, 2008 he asked me to marry him and we were excited to plan our wedding. A very fast year and a half later we were married on June 5, 2010 at a beautiful outside ceremony surrounded by family and friends. In August 2010 we started talking about wanting to start our family. Our trying to conceive journey started in September of 2010.
After a year of trying without any luck, we decided to go to the doctor and see what they had to say. My OB put me on clomid for 3 months, stating that if I didn't need to have all the testing and the medication would work, then he didn't want to put me through testing. I was surprised that we didn't at least do blood work, but at the time was content with his reasoning. On the 3rd day of my 3rd cycle, I was very upset and called the doctor back wanting to start testing. He basically started it wasn't a good idea and said to come in when my next period started and we would scan my ovaries for cysts and go from there. Upset and frustrated I decided to just enjoy the holidays and forget about the cycle. So I called the fertility center and made an appointment for what should be the first day of my next period (Jan 10). Then I went on about enjoying Christmas and new years.
Jan 9, 2012 I took a pregnancy test before leaving the house for work. After seeing another negative test I went about my day. When I came home from work that night I looked at the test again and there was a faint line. Nervous and confused, I went to bed and woke up early the next morning to take another test, or two. Again, no line. So I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours and when I looked at the tests again, there was a faint line! Off to the store I go to get more (different brand!) tests. This time one of them has a very very faint line and the other has a very faint line. So I wake Randy up to get ready for our appointment. While he's getting ready I lay all the tests out for him to see when he walks downstairs. He's confused and says that he thinks they are all negative because the line is too faint. We get ready and head off to the RE office. I tell her about getting some faint positive tests and she says she thinks I am pregnant! and if I don't have my period by that Friday, Jan 13 to come in for a beta HCG test.
Friday morning I wake up to lots of bleeding and cramping. I call the office and they say they want me to still get the blood test done. The results are low... 12.6. They tell me it's probably a chemical pregnancy. I am sad, but OK with everything because I feel like I have answers. I now know I CAN get pregnant. Another blood test is scheduled for Monday to make sure my numbers go down. Monday comes and I get my lab work done at the hospital since I have to work. I never hear from the fertility center Monday so Tuesday when I wake up I take another pregnancy test to see if my numbers are down... instead I get a very positive test. I am confused so I take a digital test that says "pregnant" I can't believe my eyes! My betas come back for Monday of 50.4. My number are watched and by the end of the week are in the mid 200's. The doctor calls me and says that she wants to do an ultrasound on Saturday (Jan 21) to rule out a tubal pregnancy. I talk to her about my concerns about not being able to see anything if I am not as far along as we think I'm supposed to be and we end up scheduling the ultrasound for Monday Jan 23, my birthday.
Monday when we go in for the ultrasound, we are feeling good, happy and excited. Everything has been going well and we are excited to see our little bean! But this is not what happens. Instead the doctor says that she think she sees something in my right tube, and that my uterine lining is very thin and not something for a viable pregnancy. We are crushed. More blood is drawn and I am sent home. My levels come back 648 that day and I am to go in the following day to have another ultrasound to double check the first one and if nothing is seen, then methotrexate would be started. I am a mess and so upset. Randy tells me he doesn't want my tube to rupture and I tell him that if it's not in my tube I don't want to kill our baby. Tuesday morning I wake up and get ready. I am OK until we get to the office and I start to tear up as we walk in. Once we're in the exam room and the Doctor walks in, I break down completely. She comforts me and talks me through the steps of what will happen next. After I am calm(er) we start the ultrasound. The sonographer takes lots of pictures of my right ovary and tube and then moves to my left. The doctor tells me they don't see anything on either tube or ovary. When they go to the uterus they both say "What is that?" "Is that the beginning of a sac?" "I think it is" and the doctor tells me I'm "around 5 weeks". I tell her I'm not sure how to feel and she tells me to be cautiously optimistic. We have an intrauterine sac which is good. Randy and I are happy and confused! We wait anxiously until Friday (the 27th) for another ultrasound. We get good news again. The sac is bigger and there is what they think to be the beginning of a yolk sac. The doctor now tells me I'm measuring 5w 1d. We are thrilled that there was growth!!
We now are waiting patiently... or trying to.... for this Friday (Feb 3) for another ultrasound. Fingers crossed everything goes well!! Grow baby Grow! :)
Long post I know, now that it's all out, they wont be as long ;)
Randy and I met at work early in 2008. We began dating on March 17, 2008 and we were basically inseparable after our first date. December 23, 2008 he asked me to marry him and we were excited to plan our wedding. A very fast year and a half later we were married on June 5, 2010 at a beautiful outside ceremony surrounded by family and friends. In August 2010 we started talking about wanting to start our family. Our trying to conceive journey started in September of 2010.
After a year of trying without any luck, we decided to go to the doctor and see what they had to say. My OB put me on clomid for 3 months, stating that if I didn't need to have all the testing and the medication would work, then he didn't want to put me through testing. I was surprised that we didn't at least do blood work, but at the time was content with his reasoning. On the 3rd day of my 3rd cycle, I was very upset and called the doctor back wanting to start testing. He basically started it wasn't a good idea and said to come in when my next period started and we would scan my ovaries for cysts and go from there. Upset and frustrated I decided to just enjoy the holidays and forget about the cycle. So I called the fertility center and made an appointment for what should be the first day of my next period (Jan 10). Then I went on about enjoying Christmas and new years.
Jan 9, 2012 I took a pregnancy test before leaving the house for work. After seeing another negative test I went about my day. When I came home from work that night I looked at the test again and there was a faint line. Nervous and confused, I went to bed and woke up early the next morning to take another test, or two. Again, no line. So I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours and when I looked at the tests again, there was a faint line! Off to the store I go to get more (different brand!) tests. This time one of them has a very very faint line and the other has a very faint line. So I wake Randy up to get ready for our appointment. While he's getting ready I lay all the tests out for him to see when he walks downstairs. He's confused and says that he thinks they are all negative because the line is too faint. We get ready and head off to the RE office. I tell her about getting some faint positive tests and she says she thinks I am pregnant! and if I don't have my period by that Friday, Jan 13 to come in for a beta HCG test.
Friday morning I wake up to lots of bleeding and cramping. I call the office and they say they want me to still get the blood test done. The results are low... 12.6. They tell me it's probably a chemical pregnancy. I am sad, but OK with everything because I feel like I have answers. I now know I CAN get pregnant. Another blood test is scheduled for Monday to make sure my numbers go down. Monday comes and I get my lab work done at the hospital since I have to work. I never hear from the fertility center Monday so Tuesday when I wake up I take another pregnancy test to see if my numbers are down... instead I get a very positive test. I am confused so I take a digital test that says "pregnant" I can't believe my eyes! My betas come back for Monday of 50.4. My number are watched and by the end of the week are in the mid 200's. The doctor calls me and says that she wants to do an ultrasound on Saturday (Jan 21) to rule out a tubal pregnancy. I talk to her about my concerns about not being able to see anything if I am not as far along as we think I'm supposed to be and we end up scheduling the ultrasound for Monday Jan 23, my birthday.
Monday when we go in for the ultrasound, we are feeling good, happy and excited. Everything has been going well and we are excited to see our little bean! But this is not what happens. Instead the doctor says that she think she sees something in my right tube, and that my uterine lining is very thin and not something for a viable pregnancy. We are crushed. More blood is drawn and I am sent home. My levels come back 648 that day and I am to go in the following day to have another ultrasound to double check the first one and if nothing is seen, then methotrexate would be started. I am a mess and so upset. Randy tells me he doesn't want my tube to rupture and I tell him that if it's not in my tube I don't want to kill our baby. Tuesday morning I wake up and get ready. I am OK until we get to the office and I start to tear up as we walk in. Once we're in the exam room and the Doctor walks in, I break down completely. She comforts me and talks me through the steps of what will happen next. After I am calm(er) we start the ultrasound. The sonographer takes lots of pictures of my right ovary and tube and then moves to my left. The doctor tells me they don't see anything on either tube or ovary. When they go to the uterus they both say "What is that?" "Is that the beginning of a sac?" "I think it is" and the doctor tells me I'm "around 5 weeks". I tell her I'm not sure how to feel and she tells me to be cautiously optimistic. We have an intrauterine sac which is good. Randy and I are happy and confused! We wait anxiously until Friday (the 27th) for another ultrasound. We get good news again. The sac is bigger and there is what they think to be the beginning of a yolk sac. The doctor now tells me I'm measuring 5w 1d. We are thrilled that there was growth!!
We now are waiting patiently... or trying to.... for this Friday (Feb 3) for another ultrasound. Fingers crossed everything goes well!! Grow baby Grow! :)
Long post I know, now that it's all out, they wont be as long ;)
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